First chapter...

Here it is. Of my story ‘Love’, about Love. Enjoy.


Chapter 1: 6 days, in December

I am not a big fan of clichés. As a matter of fact, I don’t really know what that word actually means? Are clichés just another word for judgement? One does wonder at times. Anyhow, it turns out that my life itself seems to be one, apparently. And if I haven’t seen it for myself, I certainly have been told that that is the way it is.

When me and, let’s call him K, met, I had lost all hope for romantic love to ever happen to me, or I should say, near enough. I had found myself in a state of ‘settling’ for anything possibly resembling the big L. Although I was only young, I felt I had seen a lot of what the world has to offer us, and I knew that love was not one of the things that had yet offered itself to my temptation. And romantic as I have always been, I of course believed in love at first sight. My belief came to show itself to be possible, to say the least. But, as I came to know it, I would call it love at first sensation. With eyes blind I would not have walked by that extraordinary love I was about to experience, unknowingly. When it happened, me and K, it was without any warning, and it grasped me, instantly and firmly, reaching all my senses, all the corners of me, in a split second. As I had never quite known love, it managed to take some time before I realised what these things that were happening to me, to K, was all about. Everything around me I could suddenly see a lot clearer. The world’s colours were brighter than they had ever been before, and I could see, hear and smell things I have never yet paid attention to. Everything was new; it was like being born again. Things were happening fast, although, everyday could have been a whole lifetime. I and K only chatted very briefly our fist real encounter, but the conversation were equivalent to one reading a dozen tremendeously revealing novels. We had so much, everything and more, to talk about. We started seeing each other. But with us knowing the complexities of the situation we could end up in, nothing much happened between us then. As time went on, we simply could not fight it any longer, the force, destiny? We both knew a whole month with me going away awaited us, so we ended seeing each other everyday up until that day. They were 6 intense days. A cold week in December turned into springtime. We walked around, went for lunch, had coffee, sat in the car together. Simple meetings, simple things, a tree budding as we gently opened our doors to one another. No romantic late night dinners, no lit candles, no expensive wines, no 5* hotels. It was all I had ever dreamed about my whole life. It was me, and it was K, and most of all, it was us. 4 days before I was going to get on the plane, starry eyed, we kissed for the first time. We came back from an evening spent with K's very good friend. It turned midnight as we parked the car under a dim park light. I knew then, I had neither been kissed, nor been touched before, ever.

Lovers holding on in the storm.
Up until I left everything had been innocent, so tender. Tender didn’t come to change, it didn’t die. But as I arrived back in the country, wrapped by K’s loving arms, we were hit by thunder, as a storm slowly came creeping up around us. Clouds blurring our sight, and ever so often hit by lightning. K was married when we met, and he had a daughter.



To be continued…

Family...

…is very important. I have come to realise this is not one-sided, but in ways that can be both difficult and wonderful, sometimes even a negative force. Hopefully it is a positive one most of the time, as is the case with me. The last week was pretty intense. To start with my own little family of three have been split for the last 3 weeks now, and I miss us all being together so much. It is painful watching Elliot grow, doing something new almost everyday, without us, me and my partner, sharing it in that moment of wonder. Love for the little one grows with every second we spend together, me and Elliot.

Mom, dad, I, and Elliot went to visit my grandparents mid week and it was lovely to breathe the refreshing cool forest air again, as they live a bit further up north in the country. We didn’t get up to much, as in doing things, but spending time with family that you don’t get to see very often can give you a lot more than having to do things all the time. It was lovely just hanging out there for a couple of days.

This weekend I also had visits from the so called extended family of mine over, my very good friend S came over for a quick visit from Stockholm, and then later arrived N, nowadays also a Capital City of Sweden girl, sorry woman. It was as lovely as ever to see them both, as it does, sadly, not happen often these days. I am sad N’s sister D could not be here too, I hope to see her soon. Those two girls are such an inspiration to me; hence the need to write about the family topic in my Blog. N and I talked a lot about families, and what an impact they have on ones life and the decisions we make, the happiness they give us, but unfortunately also the grief at times. We agreed on how important it is to let go, and not live the life the parents wish, or even try to tell you, but to follow one’s own dreams, hopes, gut, heart… You get it. This can be more difficult than one tends to think, as every word, every sigh, from a parent get’s soaked up by their children. This seems to be a tough on for parents, and I am sure I will get to experience it with my own one day. Somehow it seems difficult to accept that children, or parents, are just precisely that, a part of one self. We don’t tend to see them as people, individuals. And this I can now understand, as a child actually, physically, has been created by one. But, only till the day the individual is born. It must be particularly hard for mothers. The protective instinct they, we, hold for our children can never go away, die. And, I could argue that the biology behind this is… everything. Somehow I don’t think this complex relationship is the same between siblings, and this is why they are so important to be the support for each other as individuals, not as a part of themselves who should live the life they want, and get disappointed when they don’t do so. The dilemma for a child to live the life, and make the choices to please their parents, or simply deciding to live the life one wishes for, is intense. The need for acceptance, love, and security rules the latter out for a long time, for some probably all their life. But what is that love, acceptance and security when it is given conditionally? Destructive, creating the opposite element in the child, loved for what they are not inside. Creating distrust where there must be trust.

I would like to finish with a song written by the Swedish sing-song writer Björn Afzelius. Unfortunately for you who don’t know Swedish, this song can simply not be translated…

Till Elliot

“När jag tänker tillbaka på min barndom

Ser jag skräckbilder tydligast av allt

Ja, de gånger de skrämde eller slog mig

Är de minnen som hårdast sitter fast

För som barn tar man kärleken för given;

Allting annat är mot ens natur

I den stund man tar steget ut I livet

Är man bara ett tillgivet djur

Ändå står snart de vuxna där och pekar

Ut den riktning de tycker man skall ta

Alla drömmar de själva har förvägrats

Vill de förverkliga genom sina barn

Är man lydig belönas man och hyllas

Revolterar man mister man allt

Ingen älskar ett barn som inte lyckas

Ingen älskar ett barn som är starkt

Men vem besitter förmågan att veta

Vad som ryms I en ny individ?

Och vem kan säg' till nån annan hur lyckan ser ut

Vem kan säg' vad nån annan vill bli?

Låt dina blommor slå rot där det finns jordmån

Låt dina växter får leva där de trivs

Lås inte in dina plantor I ett drivhus

Låt de få slippa ett onaturligt liv

Låt den du älskar få pröva sina vingar

En dag så flyger din älskade rätt

Vill du bli respekterad av din avbild

Så får du visa din avbild respekt ”

“Hot time, summer in the…” Village?

3 weeks in Mora, Sweden. First week the temperature did hardly reach over 15 degrees Celsius, but the last couple of weeks it’s been at least 27. The lake has warmed up nicely, and we go swimming everyday (will post pictures). Elliot seems to love the water! We are both missing the partner, and daddy, who have now gone to see his family in America. It is very relaxing (no, not just because he is away) to be here. I should be getting some work done, essay writing and stuff, but does not seem to happen. I am busy… doing Nada every day, and it is so nice! I am just reading novels, drinking squash, eating ice lollies, and playing with Elliot. OK, I guess I wrote 700 words on the emotion theory of consciousness, but that is all. Elliot is growing up so fast, and fast it will always be I have been told. He can now almost sit up straight, he grabs his little feet, and makes many new sounds like do and ba. Oh, and yesterday he got up on his knees! No crawling yet, think his back needs to get a bit stronger still.

I got a call from my lover last night. He is in America visiting his family right now, so I got surprised. Did I say he sent me a poem last week? In a golden box. What can I say, other than that he is truly amazing.

Mom opened up a ‘Loppis’ today, kind of like a garage sale. Fingers crossed I get to sell some of my old stuff. I am not all nostalgic and sentimental about it, although some people say I am.

Well, it’s now 1 o’clock and I am still in my PJ’s! Guess this is life with a baby, you never have the time to get everything done. You have to compromise! So, I have not got changed today, yet. Off I go!

See you later!